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And as usual I have no real idea what has clicked my brain back into place.

  I watched some Elementary on DVD and after tea I went out for a swim.  I'm only about half a mile from the pool and I'm not a very strong swimmer, but 15 mins doing loops of the outside pool and a bit of a detour on the walk back so I ended up doing about 2miles total.  So here I am back to clear headed and focused again.

Is it the exercise?  is it the swimming?  Is it two days off work without any come back from them?  Is it a good book?  Or all four?

Probably.  I doubt there's a formula for putting me back together.  hey ho.  G'night Jim Boy.

Tuesday

Oct. 3rd, 2017 06:31 pm
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 Days sonce amxiety attack - 1

Bad night's sleep and wole up late

Felt OK in bed but was unsteady and a bit out of it on getting up

So read "Furthest STation" by Ben Aaronovitch and the first chapter of China Melville's "October" and watched some"Elementary on DVD.

Going for a swim now.
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The longer version of my day got put to private.

Surfice to say I had a panic attack and was sent home.  I am so tired of this and have been forever.  I know there's no "fix" as such, but need to try and get some progress.
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 Wellfirst of all, Dreamwidth and Chrome are not playing nice and I've had to log on with a different browser.

Hm Since June?

Well I made it to Solas festival in Perth which I think is struggling for numbers and cash and felt a bit stripped down this year.





OK I didn't get to the Stonehaven folk fest, but did get to Heb Celt which has lead to a someone I thought understood what I was like when I get stressed and anxious (I tend to shut off and be non verbal) having a go at me and afterwards we lost contact.  This kind of reduces my friends in Scotland who I see socially to um, none.  I have friends in churches and bi groups, but none to go round for food, films, gigs etc

I also did all 4 "Bard in the Botanics" in Glasgow, which were great.


BiCon in Leeds was awesome and I did manage to get to the stonehaven lido twice over summer.

Somehow I used 16 holiday days which is a lot.  Oh yes flat inspection and trip to London for theT Rex tribute gig.

I'm really struggling with travel the very long distances, so the Hebrides and London are now off the agenda.  I'm also more and more struggling to put a non-autistic public face on.  I still haven't looked ito getting a diagnosis, but I am who I am and I am autistic.  Despite my new Twitter handle I don't now accept "Asperger's syndrome" or "high functioning" as helpful distinctions and consider them as ablest.

I'm overspent by the end of summer, but not as much as last year.

My anxiety levels are, to be blunt, high.  I've had a good month with my walking, about 95miles as opposed to my mode of just over 70 miles pcm this year.  (max 102, min 46).  But as the meme notes,whilst getting outside and being fitter are good, they are not anti anxiety or depression cures.

Oh yes, moderate to severe hearing loss!  not news, but an unwelcome reminder.  refereal to hearing clinic sent, wating for appointment date.

Frankly my mood varies between OK, to down, to general anxiety.

Oh and we get moved to a new employer in February.  That's already fun and games.  or something.

A couple of gigs and the Scottish Bi fest to come in October. 
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Possibly the world's first convention dedicated to a 6th century saint. It wasn't a retreat as there were too many musicians, theatre and mixed stuff for that. It all felt a little lighthearted for a conference despite there being some serious topics being discussed, so "convention" it is.

I'm not really a church goer these days, but that's more due to lack of options in Perth than lack of will on my part.
https://www.wildgoose.scot/?doing_wp_cron=1497213988.9445400238037109375000

The lovely people on the link above "The Wild Goose is about liturgy and worship, music and song, prayer and politics, diversity and devotion, participation and perception, curiosity and creativity," have been doing fab things about worship for a long time now and inspire me to keep the last embers of my faith alive.

So the fest included theatre and talks about language and gaelic, Leonard Cohen, connections in the urban Glasgow environment with Columba's missions from centuries ago.Singleness and family in the 21c & church a workshop on deeper conversation and much more. I missed some of Saturday due to tiredness as I was commuting from Perth, but lovely to be with that

The workshop on conversation was full of thoughts about specifically making space for significant conversations and how different people enable that.

I'm tired but uplifted and reminded once again that community is at the heart of our human existance
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So quick day trip to the big city.

The earliest train is at 9.05 which gets in at 10.115 which is cutting it lose to get to church in St Mary's Cathedral in the West End for 10:30. I missed about 15 mins of the service. I haven't been to church much this year, maybe once in Perth, but St Mary's always makes me feel at home and people are keen to know how I'm doing. Despite the fact that I don't live there I feel I have a place there. It's Scottish Episcopalian so Anglican, but not part of the C of E. Its an LGBT inclusive church, but very "high" which isn't my first choice of worship styles, but the there's a real community there that I love.

So did some shopping and bought some books. Oops. Including Bill Hayes ""Insomniac City" https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/30038960-insomniac-city in which Bill writes about moving to New York and his relationship with Dr Oliver Sacks in his (Sacks) final years. It's a touching moving book about a city and a new life and relationship found there. I'm truly moved by the book and will write more when I've finished it.

So the day was spent in the Glasgow botanical Gardens which was full of the lovely people of Glasgow inall their variety. I also had a pint or two in the Hillhead Bookclub on Byres Road.

After eight years in Scotland, it remains quite my favorite place to be, vibrant, busy, full of people of different backgrounds and expressions of self and family and faith.

So why haven't I moved to Glasgow yet or at least why don't I gpo more often? Well there's a deluded attempt to try and make a life in Perth, which frankly has fallen flat on it's face. So with changes at work, there's a choice to be made next year when the flat contract is up for renewal about the future.

Being alone in Perth is not how I want to spend the next decade. I've tried to put Glasgow to the back of my mind for years, but I keep on coming back to it as somewhere I love being and where I have ready built communities to join.
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Getting late for me, so short update.

A mixed week at work, systems issues have lead to some very slow and even stopped work durring the week. I managed to walk before work three days which helped my mood a bit, but I wouldnt say that I'm really feeling anywhere near my best. Time is short and I don't want to waste life because I feel stressed from work. Somehow this doesn't seem right to me!?!

Right, I might try and make it to see Guardians tomorrow and may do a sneaky trip to Glasgow on Sunday for what I think will be the first time since December! That's not good you know!

Sleep well and stay awesome x
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Not sure how I feel. I had a week's holiday in Berwick which I love. It's far enough away to not feel at home, but being in North East England I get the feeling of being back in the world of my childhood. The week involved a bit of dotting about and a bit of just not doing a lot. It didn't feel as restfull as it might as I didn't get a few solid days in a row "doing nothing" and it was a bit early spring temperature and rain wise. That said I saw some friends, had a trip to Barter books, read three books and had some downtime. I also had a day with food poisoning as well.

So back to Perth after a week away and had the bank Holiday Monday off for chilling. The week started OK, but by Wednesday I'd had a panc attack about some work stuff and was basically stuffed.

So five days inside the flat coping with the stress and just going to work. Almost recovered by Sunday and went out for a walk and read in the sun for a few hours. I also got a walk before work today (Monday 8/5/17) for a few miles.

I suppose that I need to keep walking and getting out even when I'm stressed. Not easy though.
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Well a few days moderate walking and the knee seems to be a little more comfortable this morning. I'm going to wait until I get back off my holiday before I talk to the physio about an assessment.

I'm reasonably alert, which is good after a four day weekend!

So I went to St Andrews with Karen on Saturday and a very nice lunch in Pitlessie in Fife, I headed back to mine on Saturday evening and watch Doctor Who. Um bought 4 3 2 1 book in St Andrews and will read it soon!

Sunday was chilling, TV and finishing "All our Wrong Days" so Monday I was a bit bleurgh due to a day on my arse! Headed to Dundee on MOnday went for coffee at the Dundee Contemporary Arts centre (DCA) a look at MARK WALLINGER MARK the exhibition by Mark Wallinger (D'oh) some fantastic stuff including his TARDIS which is a full size Police Box in stainless steel!

Read a bit of Niel Gaimans "View from the Cheep Seats" and watched "I am not your Negro".

Much food for though in all things which I may add when I don't have to get ready for work.
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So Easter Monday.

It's cold and I'm feeling a little down today. Probably because I spent Sunday on teh sofa reading and watching TV. I'm not sure I'll ever learn. Still it's only 8 am and I should still be able to get my arse in gear and out of the house at some point!

My plan was to head for Dundee for the day and go to the COntemporary arts as the exhibition is a fe weeks in and if I don't go, knowing me I'll miss it or just go on the last weekend!

So trip to DCA, wander round, lunch and film seems like the plan.

Hello Fred x
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Short post beofre I retire. Friday was a good day, relaxed happy, did some jobs round th eflat. Headed over to Karen's and due to a mis communication ended up at th etrain station for half an hour getting stressed. So much I had a panic attack.

So I ended up not talking and crashing out at Karen's with barely a word. Saturday I managed to get my brain in gear and we headed down to St Andrew's for a potter. Nice sping day and not too many tourists. Stopped off in a pub on the way back to Glenrothes for a fantastic lunch and back to Karen's. By then I had wilted a little, so I headed back to Perth for some tea and to watch Doctor Who. First ep of the new series and it was everything that's been a success about the show for the last decade, it felt like a proper opening episode, all the boxes ticked and great performances from the new leads who were all given lots of time together. Such a shame this is the only year with this team.

Thursday

Apr. 13th, 2017 07:51 pm
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OK chilled out and looking forward to spending at least some of the weekend with Karen.

Here we are Maundy Thursday as it is known. I feel very far from the church these days which in one ways is a sadness, but church life is rarely the radical challenge to the life of the world or the welcome of the outcast or the family of strangers that it should be.

Anyway, it's Easter and that means new Doctor Who and the Twelfth Doctor, Bill and Nardole start their adventures for probably the most queer and fantastic looking crew ever. 12 episodes of joy and adventure to come. Just watch them run...
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Arse, balls, cricket bats and stumps. damn.

random cryptic swearing. Sorry, no context reader. I'll survive.
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OK up for around 6.30 ish and out of the house for a bit after 7 am. Now I live less than amile from work and can walk it in about twenty minutes or so. So of course I walk down a road 90 deg to the ine going to work, up a hill take abridge over a dual carriage way (A9), walk up a hill to a trig point, keep walking for another half mile or so and finally turn towards firmly work and walk another mile or so until I get there.

4. 2 miles in total. A great view, some road walking, some path walking some walk slowly through the field of cows and then back to paths in various conditions. It's a fairly solid walk to start the day and I've done it three days in a row. (plus other dotting about and getting home). Oh I also went for a swim tonight.

Now when I'm well, this level of activity feels normal to me. It keeps me alert and makes y body more instead of vegitate. My knee is in a little discomfort, but is also moving better than for ages. I hope the tendons don't strain like last year. I was laid up for weeks and on a stick for a couple of months or more.

My general fitness is good enough to walk between 5 to 8 miles a day and with the light, I feel like doing just that.

What else? um work obviously, had a swim and saw "Free Fire" at the cinema tonight. Set in the seventies with Cillian Murphy and a gang of Irish at a weapons buy with some Americans and Brie Larson as an intermediary. Needless to say things go a little awry and staggering levels of violence and black humour abound. I'll admit it's probably not to everyone's taste, but I loved it.

You'll never listen to John Denver in the same way again.
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So Monday, well I decided not to go to the Peak District to Morris Dance and going to London to BiFest wasn't really something on my mind to do, it sounds lovely though. I missed the Scottish BiFest in December 2016 due to an event clash.

So spring has come and with it my unwise decision to start walking long distances without the proper prep! Yesterday was 9 miles and six and a half today. The knee is a bit stiff and achy which is how it felt last year efore the tendons twanged on me and I spent the summer on a walking stick!

I'll try and be careful, but I really want to walk. I need the exercise for both mental and physical health reasons, hey ho, fingers crossed.
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I am now more than half way in to the book and I now get why the first half the narrator is an arse. Very clever.
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So it's very spring like, warm sun, cool air.

I did a wander into town and bought some new rucksacks of differing sizes in the Mountain warehouse sale. I likes a good rucksack and having different sizes for different needs! The assistant liked by "War" Doctor t-shirt as well!

Quick wander to Waterstones, books bought - Neil Gaiman - The View from the Cheap Seats - Selected Non Fiction. Covering things he believes, people he has known, sci fi, comics, and more.

As usual I thought, there's nowhere in Perth I actually want to sit down and have a coffee, so I headed for the Twa Tams and found a new coffee place "Al Frescos", bad pun aside it had a decent courtyard that wasn't directly on a main road or pavement and gets the sun. The coffee was mediocre but I was happy to give them some money. Hopefully they'll find a niche and stick around. I'll certainly try and give them some custom!

S back home and a bit of catching up on email with an old friend and some reading whilst going for the easy listening bosa nova jazz box set I bought for background light hearted music. Nice.

I', actually reading "All Our Wrong Todays" by Elan Mastai, which half way in I remain deeply unconvinced by!
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It strikes me that I am not the most coherent of writers on LJ over the years. I have a habit of just doing stream of consciousness writing and not really adding any context. So reading back after many years it all feels a bit disjointed.

I'm pleased to have rescued the LJ posts and comments to dw, bit we'll see how I manage with the longer form writing going forward.

So end of the week again, watching Doctor Who (2015 Capaldi / Zygons). No plans this weekend other than to pop into Perth and maybe grab a film. Next weekend with Karen and her friend Nicola who is visiting.

I have to say reading the 2009 2010 posts and remembering the events in my life that I didin't blog about has shaken me a little. So much happened moving to Leeds and back to Sheffield. Unemployment and money running out, depression and hopelessness whilst interviewing up and down the country.

Having people literally doing a suicide watch. It's hard to think back to.
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Well that's 564 posts migrated to Dreamwidth from LJ. Sad to see an end to that platform and here we are with a much reduced readership. Hello to both of you here and to those left on LJ!

I'll try and get a pic that doesn't load sideways or upside down.

Hello

Apr. 4th, 2017 06:40 pm
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First post testing type thingy and cross post to LJ.

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