rhino_neil

 Apologies to the few people who see this.  I just use this when I want to write my thoughts and feelings but don't actuallly want or need aa "hugs x" from facebook!

Trauma from parenting, being autistic in an allistic world, being trans but never transitioning being alone when I want company, having company when I want silence.  All these things have deadened me to the world and my life.  So much effort into work and masking in the workplace.

So now I have  a job that even if I have problems I can work out the solutions, I know how to do this with a little thought and attention, but not that much really.

So I have headspace for myself.  So I'm reading a new book, "Terry Pratchett, A life with Footnotes*"  I've laughed and cried at the book.  And I've laughed and cried at the sheer emotional release of that. 

I'm in my own place with my books, DVDs CDs etc.  I can cook or heat up things in the microwave.  I can walk and watch the sunset over the valley.  I can't get to the beach easily.  There's always losses.

But feeling that release from anxiety and fo not just a day, but a week a month, maybe longer.  That feels like joy.  I wonder what actual joy feeels like?

 so  10 weeks of unemployment.

I've been ill, depressed under medical supervision, on anti depressants and on watch for suicidal thoughts.

My CV went to 5 jobs and I got 5 interviews and 1 offer.   Techncally I started this week, but due to tech issues, I start after Easter next Tuesday.  I started today stomach churning and fearful, but after an hours indeuction and overview of the training course I feel fine.

Lets repeat that, I feel fine.  OK I'm being paid to sit on my arse without using holiday days, but I feel fine.  I don't know when I last felt like this.  I've been depressed, tired, worried, scraping by, manic, drunk.

Today, I did my induction session, did some more sorting out of the flat, talked to two friends, read, went accross Sheffield to buy fish and chips.

I have my l9fe in SHEFFILED COMING SLOWLY TOGETHER. I see bits of the future I certainly see this summer.and no holidays until after 11 weeks of training, but hey.  I'm content bordering on happy.  This is what I've aimed for and planned for.  I intend to enjoy every damn day I can.

 OK, so I woke up at 7am, pretty reasonable waking up time?  I took a long time on watching tik tok? style posts on Facebook and insta.  It's something I think will help calm me, but it's actually distracting me.  There are better ways to calm my brain down.

It was very quiet again.  Eventually pottered around, got up, clean, breakfast, podcast and now it's 9am and no walk.  HM, need to do different tomorrow if I can.

So I've chatted to someone on what's ap, started my to do lists and some e-mail sorting out.  Started out my diary of events, so I can track sho I've talked to, what I've done.  I'm going to walk at 10:30 I think, I can then do another hour after that before going to lunch.

I ended yesterday quite drained by the talk with HD, but it helped to put her in the picture.  I need to distill some of that down into a post.  I also got a link saying that a blogger post I put up in 2014 was deemed unsuitable without a warning.  I read it, it was about another big life event and choosing to stay in a safe place at work.  Blimey it cuts close to the bone.  I wish I'd read it last year before the job change.

I might copy it here.

It's early on a Wednesday, cold as this April has been, but the low sun paints a glow.  Warmer later as well if I believe the BBC.

So week 5 off work.  Five weeks off work.  Anxiety, panic attacks, call it what you will.  Yesterday started happy, awakem then I had to call work, talk to GP talk to HR nad I was a wreck.  One good start to the day doesn't equal well.  Even a few days.  

What will I do?  I'll do my morning exercises and go for a short walk and listen to the "On Being with Krista Tippett" podcast.  I think I'll read and go for a longer walk when the day warms.  Later in the day I suspect that "Repair Shop" and "Great British Sewing Bee" will engage me.  I keep trying to figure out what is wrong, what can I fix, can I go back to work.

I don't know the answers.  Maybe it's best I just let go.  Oh, that.  just writing "Maybe it's best I just let go" gives such an emotional response like a big life event.

Can't ignore that can we?

So 1/1/2020.  recovered from best part of a bottle of wine on the 31st.

I managed to continue the kitchen clean and got some more done. Went out walking about 11.50 and did 5.4 km about 3.3 miles which should be  a normal days walking, not top end, but hey we are where we are.
 
Cultural activities were 2019 Sewing Bee on BBC 1, Jumanji on Channel 5, two parts of Dr Who The Green Death, followed by new Doctor Who and then 2 Episodes of Doctor Who The Macra Terror (animated) to end.

New doctor who?  Bloody fab, everything they tried last year with a bit more confidence and Stephen Fry, Lenny Henry and Sacha Dawan making a surprise appearance.

So there we go, that's the holiday, back to normal tomorrow!

Well in fact I have two weeks off and for some reason all the shops and things shut on Wednesday, no idea why.

So shortest day, traditionally my most hated day of the year and today started out feeling seasonally blergh.  But I'd arranged to meet L & R from Scottish Bi Network for brunch, so I got washed and left the house.  As usual company does me good and L & R are lovely.  They are so newly involved in one respect, but they've gone to Bicon just decided to set up a network in Scotland. It's amazing what you can start by just saying who you are and making some noise.

They keep on trying yp get me out of myself and engage and offering me lifts and transport and asking me to stuff.

So that was lovely, even if the pub wasn't doing brunch, so I had x-mas platter  instead.

I'm sure there were things to say about 2018 and 2019.

I met a lovely non-binary person who lived a long way away.  We got together in Sheffield in 2018 and had a nice time together.  By March 2019 their life had more things happening than could be part of a long distance relationship and it drifted and ended.  9 month son I'm still sad.  Those 2 weekends in Sheffield were a glimpse of a life I might have had.  or maybe they were just an echo.  They have a life, hard but with lots of new queer folk in it.  That's because I invited them to BiCon, so I helped.  That's a good thing to know.

I'll write about more things, but that's it for now. 

So first day of the year.

Broadly speaking a good day.

Slight lie in as it's a holiday even though I didn't go out or have a drink.

So out of the house for a walk round the hill, I did about four miles in 2 ours, which considering the conditions I'm happy with.

culture - Escape from Athena - old 70s war movie with Roger Moore.  Started  out bright, breezy, quite funny and turned into big raid the monastery film.  On wiki, it was said Lew Grade loved the second half with motor cycle chases and action.  I though the comedy with Elliot Gould and David Niven was much better. 

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2.  I missed it at the cinema and frankly I didn't miss much.  Iliked the first film, but despite the long lost father plot, it was more of the same and I didn't care.

watched some TOTP but the highlight was he documentary on "Saturday Night Fever" by Bruno from SCD. Lots of original production team and actors, including Travolta and original behind the scenes filming.  Great slice of film making at that time and lovely to see a big star so enthusiastic about his first big picture.  I must actually hunt out the film.  More gritty than I was aware, I think I always thought it was similar in tone to Grease.  It's not!

Spent some money on clothes on line.  Decided to go a bit black and red and goth.  So cutting down the colours  and doing something not high street, but not really out there.  ddid some jobs round the flat and cooked sweet and sour chicken using a simple pasta sauce as base but doing the flavours from scratch.

OK so we're early.

Perth Theatre and the college had the th annual Wrolds Aids day exhibition of art from students .  The launch was tonight with the theatre students doing a couple of songs from Rent and Stuart Hopps (Choreographer and author) Mare Tralla (artist and activist) in attendance.

The exhibition was poignant and interesting.  It's good to see the college continuing to make connection on such an important part of our recent history with today's students.

 Oh well, some moment on the Pride event, meeting next Thursday.