rhino_neil

Well lots of reasons. But mainly winter blues and continued failure to manage life.

I've become more aware of how much I slow down in the winter, especially since moving to Scotland.  I exercise, take vit D, use a sun lamp in the morning.  But still the self care and keeping the flat clean suffer.  That said they suffer all year.

I burn out from work pretty easily and need some serious recovery time.  I always did, but it gets worse as I get older.  The flat is let's face it a mess, piles of stuff on floors and tops. So this morning my workpass wasn't in its safe space as I left the house and I had a meltdown.  I'd planned to book a day off for tidy up, but I couldn't go in so rang up and took the day off.  So washing up, tidying, putting stuff where it belongs.

Still no pass, but at least I looked.

I continue to feel a fraud, My twitter handle embraces an autistic identity, I describe my self as non-binary and have even attended trans specific workshops at the last BiTastic in Inverness.  (They were open to those questioning gender so I don't feel I overstepped the mark)

I'm not diagnosed as autistic and I've never felt that I am a trans woman.  So my place in the autistic and trans communities feel precarious.  How many labels do I want to own?  i'd just like a good quality of life where I do my job, pay my way and enjoy the company of friends when I'm up to it,to travel to the cities of Scotland that I've grown to love.  To have a place in society and contribute.

.I'm hoping that the Perthshire Pride will get up and running, but it's a few weeks since the consultations and getting closer to the end of he year means doing something for summer 2018 gets harder by the week.

 Days sonce amxiety attack - 1

Bad night's sleep and wole up late

Felt OK in bed but was unsteady and a bit out of it on getting up

So read "Furthest STation" by Ben Aaronovitch and the first chapter of China Melville's "October" and watched some"Elementary on DVD.

Going for a swim now.

 Wellfirst of all, Dreamwidth and Chrome are not playing nice and I've had to log on with a different browser.

Hm Since June?

Well I made it to Solas festival in Perth which I think is struggling for numbers and cash and felt a bit stripped down this year.





OK I didn't get to the Stonehaven folk fest, but did get to Heb Celt which has lead to a someone I thought understood what I was like when I get stressed and anxious (I tend to shut off and be non verbal) having a go at me and afterwards we lost contact.  This kind of reduces my friends in Scotland who I see socially to um, none.  I have friends in churches and bi groups, but none to go round for food, films, gigs etc

I also did all 4 "Bard in the Botanics" in Glasgow, which were great.


BiCon in Leeds was awesome and I did manage to get to the stonehaven lido twice over summer.

Somehow I used 16 holiday days which is a lot.  Oh yes flat inspection and trip to London for theT Rex tribute gig.

I'm really struggling with travel the very long distances, so the Hebrides and London are now off the agenda.  I'm also more and more struggling to put a non-autistic public face on.  I still haven't looked ito getting a diagnosis, but I am who I am and I am autistic.  Despite my new Twitter handle I don't now accept "Asperger's syndrome" or "high functioning" as helpful distinctions and consider them as ablest.

I'm overspent by the end of summer, but not as much as last year.

My anxiety levels are, to be blunt, high.  I've had a good month with my walking, about 95miles as opposed to my mode of just over 70 miles pcm this year.  (max 102, min 46).  But as the meme notes,whilst getting outside and being fitter are good, they are not anti anxiety or depression cures.

Oh yes, moderate to severe hearing loss!  not news, but an unwelcome reminder.  refereal to hearing clinic sent, wating for appointment date.

Frankly my mood varies between OK, to down, to general anxiety.

Oh and we get moved to a new employer in February.  That's already fun and games.  or something.

A couple of gigs and the Scottish Bi fest to come in October. 

So quick day trip to the big city.

The earliest train is at 9.05 which gets in at 10.115 which is cutting it lose to get to church in St Mary's Cathedral in the West End for 10:30. I missed about 15 mins of the service. I haven't been to church much this year, maybe once in Perth, but St Mary's always makes me feel at home and people are keen to know how I'm doing. Despite the fact that I don't live there I feel I have a place there. It's Scottish Episcopalian so Anglican, but not part of the C of E. Its an LGBT inclusive church, but very "high" which isn't my first choice of worship styles, but the there's a real community there that I love.

So did some shopping and bought some books. Oops. Including Bill Hayes ""Insomniac City" https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/30038960-insomniac-city in which Bill writes about moving to New York and his relationship with Dr Oliver Sacks in his (Sacks) final years. It's a touching moving book about a city and a new life and relationship found there. I'm truly moved by the book and will write more when I've finished it.

So the day was spent in the Glasgow botanical Gardens which was full of the lovely people of Glasgow inall their variety. I also had a pint or two in the Hillhead Bookclub on Byres Road.

After eight years in Scotland, it remains quite my favorite place to be, vibrant, busy, full of people of different backgrounds and expressions of self and family and faith.

So why haven't I moved to Glasgow yet or at least why don't I gpo more often? Well there's a deluded attempt to try and make a life in Perth, which frankly has fallen flat on it's face. So with changes at work, there's a choice to be made next year when the flat contract is up for renewal about the future.

Being alone in Perth is not how I want to spend the next decade. I've tried to put Glasgow to the back of my mind for years, but I keep on coming back to it as somewhere I love being and where I have ready built communities to join.

Not sure how I feel. I had a week's holiday in Berwick which I love. It's far enough away to not feel at home, but being in North East England I get the feeling of being back in the world of my childhood. The week involved a bit of dotting about and a bit of just not doing a lot. It didn't feel as restfull as it might as I didn't get a few solid days in a row "doing nothing" and it was a bit early spring temperature and rain wise. That said I saw some friends, had a trip to Barter books, read three books and had some downtime. I also had a day with food poisoning as well.

So back to Perth after a week away and had the bank Holiday Monday off for chilling. The week started OK, but by Wednesday I'd had a panc attack about some work stuff and was basically stuffed.

So five days inside the flat coping with the stress and just going to work. Almost recovered by Sunday and went out for a walk and read in the sun for a few hours. I also got a walk before work today (Monday 8/5/17) for a few miles.

I suppose that I need to keep walking and getting out even when I'm stressed. Not easy though.

So Easter Monday.

It's cold and I'm feeling a little down today. Probably because I spent Sunday on teh sofa reading and watching TV. I'm not sure I'll ever learn. Still it's only 8 am and I should still be able to get my arse in gear and out of the house at some point!

My plan was to head for Dundee for the day and go to the COntemporary arts as the exhibition is a fe weeks in and if I don't go, knowing me I'll miss it or just go on the last weekend!

So trip to DCA, wander round, lunch and film seems like the plan.

Hello Fred x

OK chilled out and looking forward to spending at least some of the weekend with Karen.

Here we are Maundy Thursday as it is known. I feel very far from the church these days which in one ways is a sadness, but church life is rarely the radical challenge to the life of the world or the welcome of the outcast or the family of strangers that it should be.

Anyway, it's Easter and that means new Doctor Who and the Twelfth Doctor, Bill and Nardole start their adventures for probably the most queer and fantastic looking crew ever. 12 episodes of joy and adventure to come. Just watch them run...

OK up for around 6.30 ish and out of the house for a bit after 7 am. Now I live less than amile from work and can walk it in about twenty minutes or so. So of course I walk down a road 90 deg to the ine going to work, up a hill take abridge over a dual carriage way (A9), walk up a hill to a trig point, keep walking for another half mile or so and finally turn towards firmly work and walk another mile or so until I get there.

4. 2 miles in total. A great view, some road walking, some path walking some walk slowly through the field of cows and then back to paths in various conditions. It's a fairly solid walk to start the day and I've done it three days in a row. (plus other dotting about and getting home). Oh I also went for a swim tonight.

Now when I'm well, this level of activity feels normal to me. It keeps me alert and makes y body more instead of vegitate. My knee is in a little discomfort, but is also moving better than for ages. I hope the tendons don't strain like last year. I was laid up for weeks and on a stick for a couple of months or more.

My general fitness is good enough to walk between 5 to 8 miles a day and with the light, I feel like doing just that.

What else? um work obviously, had a swim and saw "Free Fire" at the cinema tonight. Set in the seventies with Cillian Murphy and a gang of Irish at a weapons buy with some Americans and Brie Larson as an intermediary. Needless to say things go a little awry and staggering levels of violence and black humour abound. I'll admit it's probably not to everyone's taste, but I loved it.

You'll never listen to John Denver in the same way again.

I am now more than half way in to the book and I now get why the first half the narrator is an arse. Very clever.

It strikes me that I am not the most coherent of writers on LJ over the years. I have a habit of just doing stream of consciousness writing and not really adding any context. So reading back after many years it all feels a bit disjointed.

I'm pleased to have rescued the LJ posts and comments to dw, bit we'll see how I manage with the longer form writing going forward.

So end of the week again, watching Doctor Who (2015 Capaldi / Zygons). No plans this weekend other than to pop into Perth and maybe grab a film. Next weekend with Karen and her friend Nicola who is visiting.

I have to say reading the 2009 2010 posts and remembering the events in my life that I didin't blog about has shaken me a little. So much happened moving to Leeds and back to Sheffield. Unemployment and money running out, depression and hopelessness whilst interviewing up and down the country.

Having people literally doing a suicide watch. It's hard to think back to.