A new start

So, after unemployed for 11, 12 weeks, I've been in training for 11 weeks for the "new" job.

This 11 weeks went quicker I think. :)

Whilst it's a company I've not worked for before, it's a job I've done or been adjacent to since 1999.  Having 11 weeks training has got me used to doing admin instead of support or tech pensions calcs.  After 5 years of being unsupported in work it's been like a warm bath and I'm at 90% accuracy, meeting targets and excellent all round.

Let's hold that.  I'm excellent.  I mean I always knew that, but here's someone I never met befor3e April saying it.

So training ends on Friday and out into the real world on Monday.  I mean we've already been doing real cases in training so not much of a jump!  But new people and new client to me.  I'm at what might traditionally be seen as a starting job in pensions, but I love it.  I can end the day, pack up hgave a shower and my life is mine, to read, listen, walk, swim whatever.  I'm on  abudget, but the backlog of books and DVDs should keep my busy.  

I'm hoping that I might be more actively sociable ni the next year or so.  In the meantime, the sun shines, the wind blows, and I don't feel lost.  I don't feel lost.

Think about that.  I'm home in so many ways.

(no subject)

 Apologies to the few people who see this.  I just use this when I want to write my thoughts and feelings but don't actuallly want or need aa "hugs x" from facebook!

Trauma from parenting, being autistic in an allistic world, being trans but never transitioning being alone when I want company, having company when I want silence.  All these things have deadened me to the world and my life.  So much effort into work and masking in the workplace.

So now I have  a job that even if I have problems I can work out the solutions, I know how to do this with a little thought and attention, but not that much really.

So I have headspace for myself.  So I'm reading a new book, "Terry Pratchett, A life with Footnotes*"  I've laughed and cried at the book.  And I've laughed and cried at the sheer emotional release of that. 

I'm in my own place with my books, DVDs CDs etc.  I can cook or heat up things in the microwave.  I can walk and watch the sunset over the valley.  I can't get to the beach easily.  There's always losses.

But feeling that release from anxiety and fo not just a day, but a week a month, maybe longer.  That feels like joy.  I wonder what actual joy feeels like?